Who Am I? Or (Perhaps More Accurately Myself When I Am Real)

Who Am I?
Or (Perhaps More Accurately Myself When I Am Real)

Who Am I?
By Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I would talk to my warder
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I would bear the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.

Am I really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I know of myself,
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were

Compressing my throat,
Hungry for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsty for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,
Trembling with anger at despotisms and
Petty humiliation,
Caught up in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly grieving for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to lay farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions
Of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.


A song by the David Crowder* Band is what I would use to describe my current spiritual condition. The song is called Wholly Yours, and it is on the A Collision Or (3+4=7) CD. “I am full of earth. You are heaven’s worth. I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity. You are everything that is bright and clean, the antonym of me. You are divinity. But a certain sign of grace is this: From the broken earth flowers come up pushing through the dirt. You are holy, holy, holy. All heaven cries, “Holy, holy God.” You are holy, holy, holy. I wanna be holy like You are. You are everything that is bright and clean. And You’re covering me with Your majesty. And the truest sign of grace was this: from wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man. But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all. And so this might could be the most impossible thing: Your grandness in me making me clean. Glory, hallelujah. Glory, glory, hallelujah. So here I am, all of me. Finally everything. Wholly, wholly, wholly– I am wholly, wholly, wholly– I am wholly, wholly, wholly... Yours. I am full of earth and dirt and You.” WOW! To type those lyrics, written by David Crowder, makes me appreciate the message of the song more. That song is about me. David wrote it describing himself, but it too describes me. It describes all that I’ve had to surrender: myself and all I’ve held on to. Foreverandever,etc, a song by DC*B, says, “...letting go gives a better grip. I’m finding everything I’ll ever need by giving up, gaining everything. Falling for You for eternity, right here at Your feet, where I want to be. I am Yours.” Maybe that is why I like him so much, we are alike and haven’t met each other (yet). The parts of the song that I italized are my favorite parts. Especially this part: From the broken earth flowers come up pushing through the dirt.‚ I believe that is metaphorical for from broken souls comes a beauty that pushes through all the dirt and grim. I believe that the flowers are symbolic for Jesus. He mends the broken soul. He only can push through the dirt and allow us to start to bloom along with Him. I know I’m weird because I’m probably the only person you know who takes a song and dwells on it until he finds personal meaning in the song. That is why I love music so much! This song describes me and all I’ve realized lately. Right now I’m broken, but the seeds have been planted, and along with Christ they will blossom in my life. When we surrender all of ourselves to Christ, He will blossom in our lives. I might be the only person who has that view on those lyrics, but for me it holds a lot of truth and meaning.


My spiritual, lifetime goal is to cultivate a relationship with Christ. I want to become a man after His own heart, I want to become holy as He is holy, I want to become wholly His. The Bible tells us we are called to be holy. David Crowder found inspiration, in a letter from his mom, for the song Wholly Yours. Crowder writes this about the letter: “...It centered around the idea that God calls us to be holy as He is Holy and then tells us it’s impossible. This dichotic suggestion troubled her, as well it should, and a phrase that one of her friends mentioned came to mind. ‘Wholly Yours.’ The solution is a simple one. Covered by grace we, being in Christ, are holy as He is Holy, and thus the only hope we have for holiness is to bring the whole of our lives under the coverings of Christ. To be wholly under Christ’s rule and reign is to be found holy, as Christ is Holy. I though this was one of the most brilliant things I’d ever heard. And it was so much like a good country and western song that I actually laughed out loud. And so, like any good country song, the punch line comes at the end with such a simple turn of phrase that is the difference between life and death, decay and newness, winter and springtime.” On this journey we call life I believe we never really figure out who we really are as individuals, but we can figure out that we are wholly His. I am God’s and when I fully and completely recognize that and give all of myself over to Him then I start to realize who I truly am: “A person of worth, created in God’s image to live and to relate.” What follows in this paper are things that God has revealed to me about myself through many different ways, my goals and dreams, and people who are influencing me or have influenced me.

My Actual Me test results:

“Ideas and options are what you are always doing and creating.”
When you are walking down a corridor or a street, you like to greet or stop to speak to someone. People just love to talk with you about anything. That's because the positive energy that you give off during conversations develops an instant bond with everyone. You love to interact with people. It doesn't matter how many people there are or at what level you're communicating; you do it effortlessly. Conversation has been extremely natural to you your whole life. You have a wonderful sense of humor. When people are with you, they smile and laugh a lot. Whether it's telling a joke you heard before or sharing a spontaneous ad lib, you're naturally funny and entertaining. Your humor and ways of communicating are constantly creating situations that relax and motivate other people.

Unless people know you very well, they won't realize that you are quite capable of creating strategic plans, following intellectual pursuits and developing new, abstract theories about how things integrate or function. You're able to look at the whole picture, break them into discrete, unusual parts, and synthesize these into unique wholes or strategic plans. You thoroughly enjoy discovering creative options when thinking through difficult problems and challenging ideas.

When it comes to dealing with people and problems, you use a combination of intuitive and rational thoughts very successfully. Your positive, personal and intelligent ways of relating to people make them want to follow you during times of confusion and stress. It's when the situations are dynamic and need optional thinking and/or in-the-moment organization that you're able to step forward, take command and lead others towards successful outcomes. This is when your style of leadership becomes most effective. Even if you're not knowledgeable about a subject area under discussion, you come across as smooth and intelligent. It doesn't matter to you what conversations others are having or what topics they're discussing, you can join in without missing a beat. That's because you intuitively know how to listen to the underlying messages being delivered and how to successfully respond to people intellectually with just a few facts.

Besides reading and studying, conversations and dialogues provide you with an enjoyable opportunity to learn. It's during this repartee that you're able to ask any type of question: logical, analogical or just odd ones to serve your curiosity. One of the best ways for you to learn and to be motivated is to belong to a study group, particularly one that has members who are focused on the objectives and deadlines. The process of these groups can provide you with the focus and further detail to study and learn effectively.

Speeches and presentations to small or large groups come naturally to you. You can either be prepared or wing it when making a speech. The latter, with a few notes jotted on a piece of scrap paper, is your preferred way to present. Also, you'll use theatrical intonations and gestures, personalized comments and anecdotes with humor, integrating them around facts, logic and important points. When you have finished, people leave your presentations feeling that you have presented a solid case, you have touched them personally and you have spoken to each one of them intellectually.

As a leader, you're a powerful combination of intellectual insightfulness, future predictions and personal charm. The former allows you to plan and think things through intuitively and logically. The latter allows you to be empathetic and personal in your expression of motivation and planned action. The two of these combined give you the positive power that people trust and follow.



I have two significant others that I want to write about. These two people have influenced my life in different ways. The first one is Mrs. Beery. She is a very understanding person. She doesn’t have a judging or condemning attitude. She is willing to sit and listen. She is easy to talk to. She is very encouraging and supportive of my goals and dreams. She is willing to give advice and correction. I can get her opinion on songs I’ve written and ideas for other songs and CD themes/titles. She is like a mother to Parker 4 boys and me. She doesn’t look at my past, but at my heart. She looks at what I could become, not at what I’ve been. It saddens me that Parker 4 doesn’t realize the great example they have in front of them with Mrs. Beery. They don’t realize the love she gives away. They don’t see the example of a Godly woman with Godly characteristics. What is cool about her is that she will admit her shortcomings and imperfections. She would be the first person to tell you that she isn’t perfect, none of us are. But she is an example of the kind of woman for which we, as young men, should be looking. She has contributed to my life by being an example, encouraging me, making suggestions and recommendations, challenging me to make me stretch and grow, making me strong, and trusting me.

My second significant other is Maranda Elswick. She is someone who has had deep impact upon my life. I could go on for quite awhile about my relationship with Maranda. She has taught me, more than anything else, how to love myself that I may be able to love others. Through some hard times in our relationship, she showed me that if I kept holding on to that angry and resentment and bitterness that I would push away those who I love the most. I had pushed her away for awhile. Having a personal relationship with such a positive and optimistic person has had it affect on me. She has taught me to see the brighter side of life, which I have to make myself do because I’m still working on overcoming that pessimistic attitude. Maranda is the type of young lady who demonstrates the qualities I look for in a wife. That is what attracted me to her. Our relationship didn’t go the direction she and I were hoping it would go, but I have gained a wonderful, life-long friend. She may not be the puzzle piece that fits in my heart, but she has made my heart less rough making it easier for the girl who does fit into that place. She once wrote me saying, “I can’t stand to watch a person with all your gifts (your passionate talent for musical instruments and lyrics, your ability to articulate your emotions, your writing ability, your technical skills, your humor, your people skills, and your ability to love wholeheartedly) let immaturity in your mind and work ethic diminish the potential of these gifts.” That is a true friend who would say that to you. I have a loving and true friend in Maranda, and even though she isn’t the one, I’m so thankful she came into my life.


My three assets are my musical talent (song writing, drums, and audio tech), my desire for self-improvement, and my ability to articulate my emotions and love whole heartedly. My psychological home is in my room by myself with some worship music playing. And in nature where God can really speak to your heart profoundly. My three greatest accomplishments are watching out for my little brother and sister, teaching myself how to play drums, and gaining my knowledge about audio/video technology. My four most influential people are David Crowder with his songs, books, and thoughts about worship, mortality, and change. Jeff Williams with his passion for Christ and His word. Also, his style of teaching rather than preaching. Mrs. Beery with her compassion, love, and understanding. My best friends Teddy, my classmate, and Justin Trout for they are young men, who although are imperfect, strive to by men after God’s own heart. I want people to say that I was a disciple and a leader and a servant.


My life goals are 1) cultivate my relationship with Christ. Let Him bring growth and maturity and discipline. Become a disciple and man after His own heart. 2) Be the best husband and father that I can be. Be the spiritual leader, provider, and protector. 3) Develop meaning relationships- family, close friends, and friends. 4) Establish a musical career, start a ministry, and establish a record label. 5) Lead as many lives to Christ that I can. Touch people’s lives. Encourage others.


I have decide that I want to go into the field of music. I want to attend college and get a degree in Communications with a specialization in digital media and a minor in Biblical studies. Then with that degree I can go on to become a producer. But my dream, my dream is what I will never stop pursuing. I have dream and desire to play and write music in a Christian band on a record label. What I want to do can best be described by George Barna in his book Revolution. Barna writes, “One of the best examples of micro-models is the popularity of independent worship events that occur throughout the nation. Not associated with a specific church or denomination, these gatherings feature one or more ‘worship gypsies’– individuals like Chris Tomlin, David Crowder (my man), Matt Redman, Tim Hughes, and dozens of regional favorites– who constantly travel to gatherings of believers, playing extended sets of worship music for audiences who had no prior connection to each other. The events are designed to help people connect with God through an intense worship experience. Often, the event leads those who participated to not only upgrade their worship quotient but also get more serious about other aspects of their spiritual life. The event makes no attempt to build a congregation or enduring local ministry of any type. The effort is geared toward getting people to worship God and grow from that foundation.” That describes my dream and heart’s desire.


Others see me as sensible, cautious, careful, and practical. They see me as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly, or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends I do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know me realize it takes a lot to shake my trust on my friends, but equally that it takes me a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.


I know that I like things to go my way. I do have a tendency to do things my way. But I have to say that I get that from teachers here. Regardless if you want to admit it or not teachers here are the same way, but it isn’t just teachers, it is humans in general. We all want to be in control, to give orders, to make things go our own way, and to have power. That is what makes having a relationship with Christ so hard for us. We don’t want to give up that which we think we have control. I know that I have leadership potential. But I also know that I must learn to see others points of view especially if I want to be in a band which is really a team work effort. I pray that would continue to stretch me to grow into the man He has put me on this earth to be. I’m not perfect none of us really are, but that doesn’t give us an excuse to not pursue perfection and holiness. Joel Osteen writes, “No matter where you are in life, you can be better. God is preparing you for greater thing. He’s going to take you further than you thought possible, so don’t be surprised when He asks you to think better of yourself and to act accordingly.” I pray to see myself as God sees me. That is my prayer. To become a better me, I must seek the opinion of the One who created me.

“O would some Power the giftie give us
To see ourselves as others (and God) see us!
It would from many a blunder free us,
An’ foolish notion.
What airs in dress an’ gait would leave us,
An’ ev’n devotion!” (From To A Louse by Robert Burns)

The Stopping Place

The Stopping Place

There comes a time in every young boy’s life when he finally gets to drive. He eagerly awaits the day when dad takes him out and lets him get behind the wheel. When I was a young boy, around the age of eight, my father took me out for a drive on the back roads. Growing up in Southwest Virginia one becomes familiar with the back roads. Back roads are for the people who want to escape the fast-paced action that is our world, for those who want to relax and just enjoy the beauty of God’s creation. While driving on a back road we could enjoy the polychromatic foliage of an autumn day with all the yellows, reds, and oranges or the stillness of nature on a frigid, snowy winter day where the snow covers the nakedness of tree’s branches and forms a blanket for the ground or the refreshing sound of renewal during spring when life burst vividly from its long winter sleep or the cooling rain of a hot, summer day that adds that sweet aroma of freshness to the air.


The back roads are also a great place for a boy to spend quality time with his father and discover to the joy of driving. My father pulled over, scooted his seat back, and told me to come sit on his lap. Then he said, “Put it down into drive and pull easily back onto the road.” My legs weren’t quite long enough to reach the pedals yet so my dad would control the brakes and the gas. He gave it a little gas, and I pulled easily back onto the road. I was driving! I can still remember the feel of the leather steering wheel with its raised grips in the palm of my tiny hand. There wasn’t a boy who was happier in the entire world. But my dad always let his hand rest on the bottom of the steering wheel in case we passed another car or he needed to take quick control.


My getting to drive with my dad was a right of passage. He was saying I was now old enough to start learning how to drive and experience the excitement of driving especially in the foot hills of Southwest Virginia. We would always drive down this one road called Dry Branch. My dad would drive until we came to what we called the stopping place.


Back roads always have this little place, somewhere along the road, where you can stop. We always stopped at the same place. We really enjoyed the beauty of this spot. We could see a doe, a mother deer, grazing on the grass with her young. If it was night we could hear the melody of the crickets as they sang their peaceful song.


But what I loved about the stopping place was that I knew that it was my turn to drive. Eventually, my legs got long enough that I could start controlling the brakes and the gas. I would drive from Dry Branch to Forty-Foot– named for the forty-inch footprint found there. I grew older and taller, allowing me to drive with my dad there next to me in the passenger seat. Then one day I got my license, I could finally drive by myself. Now that I’m older and my dad is no longer with me when I drive every time, when I drive down those roads today I have great memories of which to reminisce. But what I look forward to the most is the day when I set my own son down on my lap and tell him, “Put it down into drive and pull easily back onto the road.”